Struggling with the Feeling of "I Should"

I arrived in Honduras with a wicked cold, the kind of cold that takes three days of build up just to reach its pinnacle before knocking you out of the game for another two days. I was excited to finally reach the island of Utila, where we planned to stay for the next month, but my energy was completely zapped. The only thing I was up for was reading books. Lots and lots of books. I didn't even want a glass of wine to accompany my reading time, which if you know me is saying a lot about how sucky I was feeling (clearly my vocabulary didn't benefit from all that reading if I'm still using adjectives like 'sucky').

It's been almost four weeks that we've been in Central America and I'm currently on my ninth book. At the beginning of our trip I felt incredibly guilty for this. The first few days in particular, when I wasn't up for much of anything else, I read four books in a week (The Happiness Project & The Divergent Trilogy, for those who are curious).

My extra happy face

I didn't love the trilogy but it was fast-paced and kept me entertained. It was so similar to The Hunger Games though that I was thisclose to putting it down. But then the feeling of "I should" came creeping. I struggle with feeling like I should finish each book I begin. Especially now that I download books, I don't always have a way to flip through the pages catching little snippets of dialogue to see if the plot and characters are interesting. But I feel like I should finish what I begin, even if I'm not enjoying it. Completion will be rewarding in itself.

A couple days later, I was lying in a hammock watching the reflection of the water dance across the roof of the porch and despite the tranquility of the moment, I couldn't help but feel the weight of obligation. I should be doing more. Who goes all the way to Central America just to read? Why don't I go swimming or biking? Kayak to the cayes off the island? Go diving? I feel like I should be active! Do more! Make memories!

Getting off my butt to go exploring. Where does the door lead?

Coming back from my first dive

That nagging feeling also extends to social situations. I mentioned in yesterday's post that your social life in Utila tends to revolve around whichever dive shop you choose. Most travellers come to Utila to scuba dive, but the shops also rent out snorkelling gear, kayaks, and charter boat trips for whoever is interested. All of the dive shops partner with guesthouses to provide accommodations, bars, and/or communal areas. The majority of people who come to Utila are my age so by all accounts you'd think I'd fit right in.

I suppose it's not really a matter of "fitting in" though, but more so that I'm just not really interested in partying. The social scene here reminds me of university. I had a fantastic time going out in university but things are a lot different when you're not single nor interested in drinking your face off. On top of that, Matthew has difficulty hearing so loud atmospheres are tough for him. I feel like a snob sometimes because we decline group invitations all the time. I enjoy quiet time with my husband, watching the sunset, having dinner, and going to bed before midnight. That seems to make me an anomaly with fellow backpackers in Utila, but I'd rather hang out with M than anyone else. He's my bestie, what can I say?

Those low-key days on the bay led to some quiet introspection and for me I think it comes down to the realization of accepting my likes and dislikes instead of trying to pursue what I feel I ought to like. Not every day has to be go-go-go. If I want to hang out in a hammock during the blistering heat of the afternoon, enjoying a book and relaxing quietly, then that's okay! I like socializing, but prefer smaller groups where I can be involved in conversation and not just yell in someone's ear. I've met some really interesting people, I just tend to meet them on my terms.

Enjoying the sunset, reading a book, sipping a mojito

I hope this post doesn't sound like I'm complaining. I'm just airing my thoughts and trying to work things out to myself. As I become more in tune with who I am, it's freeing to release myself from these self-imposed obligations. The phrase "I should" is such a buzz kill for me. What I've turned to instead is simply embracing the freedom of hanging out in Central America and experiencing life in the moment. I don't have to actively "make memories" by orchestrating activities. Memories can be made just by having fun.

Do you also struggle with the feeling of "I should"? How do you overcome it?

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